


Compatibility Problems

by writedontfight



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Canon Compliant, It's fluff despite the title, M/M, So here we are, but my friend convinced me to write this, canon adjacent, cause i cant do the facial expressions and body language justice, sometime after season 4 probably??, wasnt gonna write any schitts creek fics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 04:07:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17379245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writedontfight/pseuds/writedontfight
Summary: David is very distressed over the fact that Patrick + David is not a formula for a great couple name.





	Compatibility Problems

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chronicdoubt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronicdoubt/gifts).



> My friend and I were talking about Schitt's Creek couple names and we were discussing how David and Patrick don't really have any good ones and I just got this scene in my head of David being excessively disturbed by that and, well, here we are.

David doesn’t even look up when the door jingles open. He’s too focused on the notepad in front of him. He hears the familiar, clumsy footsteps of Patrick carrying a too-heavy load of boxes into the store. He sets them down on the counter with a thud.

“Hi, Patrick. Thank you for carrying in these heavy boxes all by yourself after making that four-hour round trip to pick them up. That was so nice of you,” Patrick says.

David finally looks up with a thoughtful hum. “Davrick? Or Patvid?”

“There are still two boxes in the car if you want to—"

“Thank you, Patrick,” David says with an exaggerated smile.

“Thought as much.”

David tilts his head mockingly before shifting his attention back to his current task. “Davrick or Patvid?”

“I don’t… what?”

“I know. They both suck. It’s a serious issue…” He points at two other options with his pen. “Pavid? Datrick?... No, those are worse!” He scratches them out furiously.

“What are you… What are you talking about?”

“Our couple name.”

“Our what?”

“Couple name. Like Brangelina, except ideally without the hundred kids and the, y’know, the divorce thing.”

“Huh,” Patrick nods. “And so the inventory you were going to do today, that’s…”

David gestures to packet of papers lying on the desk. “I’ve been thinking about this all day. Our names just do not, uh—” He spreads his fingers in front of him and slots them together and pulls them apart a few times—“mesh well.”

“David, none of these are filled out. You didn’t do… anything today?”

“Excuse me, I was working very hard on this name issue! I’m just worried about what it says about our relationship, like, on a deeper level?... Rewer maybe? I haven’t tried last names yet…” He hunches over the notepad, scribbling down a couple more options.

“Wait, go back. What it says about our relationship?”

“Like, if our names aren’t compatible, maybe that’s just, like, the tip of the iceberg, right? Like, maybe deeper, under the… under the water, like, the surface, like under the part of the iceberg you can see—in the invisible part—maybe that’s also not, like, compatible.”

“Right…” Patrick walks past him into the back room.

“Brose? Like bros, but, like, with an e? No, that’s dumb.” He scratches it out.

Patrick comes back with a bottle of beer from the fridge. He pops off the top and takes a gulp, pushing himself up onto the counter.

“Isn’t it a little early for…”

Patrick nods. “This just seems like one of those conversations. Want some?”

“Ew. Gross. No.”

Patrick shrugs and takes another drink. “So, uh, you think we’re incompatible…”

“I mean I didn’t! But now I’m not sure!”

“You do realize that our names are just an arbitrary array of letters chosen for us by our parents and have no effect on our personalities. Right?”

“Yeah, yeah,” David waves him off. “That’s what you say about everything.”

“No, just horoscopes and now the names.”

“It just, like, it feels like an omen.”

“Mm, yes, very ominous.”

“And then the hashtag issue!”

“The hashtag.”

“No couple name, no hashtag. And if we don’t have a hashtag, then what are we? Like, is any of this even real?”

“Are you breaking up with me?”

“What? No!” David snaps. “Why would you even… No!”

“Well, I mean, if we’re so incompatible… And no hashtag either! I mean, all the signs are there. There’s no way we could possibly make it through this.”

“That’s not—no—wait—Patrick-- are you—are you breaking up with _me_?”

“I mean, I don’t want to, but if our relationship is doomed, which, clearly, it is, then that’s the responsible choice, is it not? It’ll be easier this way. Clean break. Stay friends and co-workers. You know, before our pre-destined incompatibility makes us hate each other.”

David sticks his tongue into his cheek and shakes his head, narrowing his eyes. “You’re not taking this seriously.”

“I am really trying,” Patrick laughs.

“Ugh, I’m having a crisis here! You’re my boyfriend, you’re supposed to be supportive!”

“David,” Patrick says, putting the bottle down, hopping down from the counter, and gripping David’s upper arms. “It’s all going to be okay. Our names don’t determine our destiny.”

“You’d be surprised.”

“Ah, I see.”

“What? What do you see?”

“There’s a story here. Right? Someone actually--”

“Yeah, I actually can’t talk about it,” David says, staring up at the ceiling. “She made me sign a non-disclosure agreement.”

“So that’s a yes. David, as we have gone over many times before, I am not that person. We are good. Our relationship is good. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care about the compatibility of our names.”

David finally looks at him with that slight, lopsided smile. “But what about the hashtag?”

“Hm,” Patrick shakes his head, wrapping his arms now around David’s waist, “that one’s tougher for sure. But I think I can get past it.”

“Yeah?” David asks, tilting his head forward.

“Yeah,” Patrick nods, kissing him lightly. He can feel David relax the second their lips touch. “Assuming you can.”

“I will certainly try.”

“It’ll be tough, though,” Patrick says, pulling away and patting him on the shoulder. He walks around the counter, towards the door of the shop. “We’re really gonna have to, uh, fight for this. Rocky roads ahead. What with everything we have to grapple with. All those factors we can’t control trying to keep us apart…”

David lets out a loud, fake laugh.

“I’m gonna get the rest of the boxes now. I don’t suppose you’ll want to…”

David purses his lips. “Oo, I would, but it’s just that I slept weird last night so my back is all—”

“Uh-huh.” He points to the papers on the counter. “Inventory.”

“Right,” David says with a frown. “Can’t you—”

“Nope!” Patrick calls, swinging open the door. “I’m doing boxes.”

David groans dramatically, but grumbles a quick “Love you” as Patrick takes a step outside.

Patrick sticks his head back into the shop. “Sorry, I didn’t hear that, what did you…”

David glares at him. “Quit while you’re ahead.”

Patrick grins and turns back around. “Love you too!” he calls over his shoulder as the door shuts behind him.

David smiles to himself, picking up the notepad again. “Davrick,” he says carefully. He grimaces. “It’ll have to do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Hope I at least kind of did the characters justice! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Leave a comment if ya like!
> 
> Follow me on tumblr: @poledancingghostson


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